Sins
by Double
Summary: All I am doing is for your good. Even my smiles as I see you with Yui-sama, even my denial when you questioned me. Yes, even my departure. I love you so much that it tears me to pieces. Amiboshi x Suboshi
1. Forbidden Emotions

HI! This is my first Fushigi Yuugi fic, and hope everyone will like it. WARNING: Yaoi, incest. If you can't accept, then don't read. Please don't flame me on this issue.

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_Sins _

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_Chapter: Forbidden Emotions_

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I sat by the pond in the Kutoukoku place. A tiny droplet of rain fell from the sky and shattered the smooth surface of the water. Soon, more and more droplets fell, forming all sorts of ripples and made the scene of the bottom of the pond too blurry to see. However, the rain that disturbed the pond somehow made my turbulent heart more peaceful. The cool liquid splashed against my face, sliding along the curve of my cheek together with the warm tears. They mixed with each other and fell to the ground.

"Aniki! Aniki! Ah! There you are!" I turned and saw a person who looked exactly the same as me, and yet so different, rushing in my direction. Many people said that we were the same person. How I wished that it could be true. Then I would not be sitting here, feeling my heart being torn to shreds.

"Hey, aniki, come inside. You are drenched to the bone out here," he said rather impatiently but his annoyed frown soon turned into a worried one. "Have you been crying?"

"No, of course not, it's just the rain sting my eyes," I said and quickly wiped away the tears stains on my face. "You can go back first. I like being out here."

"In a storm like this? Yeah right," and he yanked my up by the arm and particularly dragged me to the nearest sheltered corridor. I gently withdrew my arm from his firm grip, causing him to cast me a puzzled look.

"What's wrong? You have been acting strange lately."

"I'm fine," I was such a liar, "I'll go get changed now."

Acting strange lately? At least he had not noticed other tings besides that, like how I was feeling. Feelings I should not have, feelings I should not habour towards my twin, and which were forbidden. People say that being in love could make you happy, and you should be proud of it. Those were all lies. Up till now, all I felt were excruciating pain, anger, confusion, and lust. I started hating myself to the extent that I wanted to commit suicide. I despised my emotions, so deeply that I wanted to vomit once I thought of them, but they could never be got ridden of.

I hated my reflection, but adored every inch of Suboshi's features. I was utterly disgusted with every cell in my body, but Suboshi was as holy as an angel. He did not deserve to have a brother like me.

Imagine what the world would say about Suboshi if they found out about my feelings. I didn't matter to me, but that would ruin Suboshi's future. He would be humiliated. I must not let anyone know my secret, and be the best brother ever, to be by his side whenever he needed me, and nothing more.

But it hurt. It hurt so much.

"ANIKI! Have you been listening to what I was telling you?" Suboshi's angry face appeared in front of me.

"Oh, I'm sorry. What were you saying again?" I plastered an apologetic smile on my lips.

"If you have any trouble, just tell me. I am your twin brother, and I don't want to see you acting like a zombie all day." he looked at me wearing a hurt and betrayed expression. "I want to know what you are thinking about. You can trust me, can't you?"

"If I can't even trust you, who else can I trust?"

"Anyway, as I was saying, and pay attention this time," he shot me a reproachful glare, "I heard that they have found the Seiryuu no Miko, and she's in the palace. Do you want to go and sneak a peek at her?" He flashed a mischievous smile and bared one of his fangs. One would never see this expression on my face, and that made it unique. Suboshi always tried to look like a though boy, so it was only around me that he would act like this. Even if he could never be mine, I just hoped that this expression could be only shown to me. At least let me have this.

"Shuu-chan, you know that we will meet the Miko someday. Just wait. You don't want Nakago-sama to be angry."

"Come on, you know that you are curious about her. Besides. Who is afraid of that Nakago?"

I just couldn't take that pair of puppy eyes. "Fine, but promise me to be really careful, and one glimpse we will leave."

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"Shh! Aniki, over here!" Suboshi motioned me to follow him, and I quickly scuttled from my dark hiding place to where he was in the shadows.

It was a dark and moonless night, and mystery permeated in the aril luring curious people to somewhere they should never have gone. Not even a sound was heard, the silence more suffocating that peaceful. I know I shouldn't have come, but I did it regardless. Perhaps I was leading myself to danger, walking on a plank unknowingly, and would fall any moment. Curiously killed the cat.

Just then, a weak beam of light shone out from a hexagon window. It seemed so pale and so lonely. We crept to one side of the window, and I suddenly felt Suboshi holding my hand. I could feel the slight tremor of excitement in him, just like the way I could feel my heart pound.

With a small exertion of force, he poked a hole in the cloth of the window and peeked inside. His hand frozen in mine, and soon, it became cold and clammy. Seeing that he had no intention to budge just yet, I poled a hole of myself and looked in.

My heart sank almost immediately, as I had found the reason to Suboshi's strange reaction.

A girl sat with her back facing us, combing her short blond hair. She wore a weird costume with a short dress, which I didn't think was appropriate for a girl. Looking at her face reflected in the mirror, I saw that she was indeed pretty, but her eyes contained a sense of loneliness, sadness and determination that was more alluring than her looks.

It was obvious why Suboshi was behaving so. I sank to the ground, the sudden fear of losing him completely enveloped me. I had expected this day to come, but why so soon? My hand slipped out of his, because I didn't want him to sense my distraught. Yet he took absolutely no notice of my action, wand I wasn't sure which hurt more.

"Ah, Nakago, you're here," her voice drifted out, and I heard some firm footsteps and soft clashing of metal armor.

I gave him a sharp tug, expecting him to come to his sense, but he still didn't' move. Grounding my teeth in frustration and pain, I finally managed to pull him all the way back to my room. Once there, he burst into exhilaration.

"Aniki, aniki, did you see her? Oh, she is so beautiful! And so different too! I've never seen someone like her. But she looks lonely and fragile. Do you think it's because she misses her homeland? I definitely will protect her from any harm . . ."

I just watched as he went on and one, and with each word he said, it felt as if another knife had just slashed into my heart. I should be happy for him, I had just vowed to be the best brother possible. I must be happy, I must smile . . . Yet why was I trying so hard to stop the tears from rushing to eyes? Suboshi, couldn't you see how hurt I was already?

"Shuu-chan, I'm a little tired today. Can we please talk about his tomorrow?" I managed to say in the calmest tone I could and gently ushered him out of the door.

"Sure! Isn't she just great? Oyasumi, aniki!"

"Oyasumi, Shuu-chan." And a droplet of tear fell onto the ground as I uttered the last syllable, but he was already nowhere to be seen.

That night, I didn't sleep at all. I didn't notice if I cried or not, but he the pillow was wet.

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	2. A Smile That No Longer Smiled

I'll be updating this story once I have time, which means it will be rather irregular, and sometimes you have to wait longer. Sorry, but I have many other stories going too. I'll try to update as soon as possible. I promise to not let this story die, cause I never do things and leave them half way. Just be more patient. Thanks, and more reviews!!

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_**Sins**_

_**A Smile That No Longer Smiled**_

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We were led into a place after we had identified ourselves as the seiryuu seishi. The place was so huge and grand that I doubt I would be able to go from one place to the other without getting lost. It was such a huge contrast to the broken houses and battlefields we came from. I guessed that the emperor just didn't care about things that were out of his sight. But now at least we could still hope that the Seiryuu no Miko would bring us peace.

Finally, we arrived in front of a big room, and the maids that led us went away. Inside sat a man with golden hair and wearing an armor. Beside him stood a woman whose clothes were too provocative (but she was pretty nonetheless). On the other side was a man (or I thought he was) dressed in a Chinese opera costume.

"I suppose you tow are Amiboshi and Suboshi. I am Nakago, and she is Soi. He's Tomo. We are all seiryuu sishi. From now on, we will work together to find the miko, then summon the dragon. Your rooms have been arranged."

I nodded and prepared to leave, when the lady named Soi grabbed Suboshi by the arm and pulled him close. "You two look exactly the same," she whispered right beside his ear, and I could sense his nervousness, "Can you tell me your name?" She smiled too sweetly, and Suboshi seemed quite incapable of moving as she inched closer and closer.

My breathing quickened, and my heart pounded faster. I didn't know why, but something inside me seemed to be burning. Burning with a hot anger and another emotion I couldn't identify. Before I knew what I was doing, I had already pulled Suboshi back and blocked myself between him and that woman.

"Don't you dare touch Suboshi," I heard myself hiss in a voice that seemed so foreign.

Soi just chuckled. "Looks like you love your brother very much."

"Of course, he's my twin," I said, bewildered, as some of the anger ebbed away and I returned somewhat to my normal self.

"You'll know what I mean," she smiled cryptically, "I know love when I see it. Just that I have seen too many things not by my own choice, and have never seen anything I have dreamed of." Her voice turned wistful at the last sentence, making me guilty for being rude to her.

"if you don't mind, we'll leave now." I bowed and Suboshi followed suit, then we walked backwards a few steps before turning to leave.

"Wow, aniki, you were so cool in there! I never knew you could be fierce! And that Soi woman, she's such a slut. Why are the rest of the seishi such weirdos?"

I chuckled at his remark, but couldn't help pondering what Soi had meant, and why I acted so out of myself. I looked at Suboshi once more, noticing how unlike me he was, with such innocence and naiveté that I had long lost. Without him, I would have nothing.

Surely it was just brotherly love . . . "Looks like you love your brother very much . . . I know love when I see it." It must be . . .

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I woke up abruptly, the memory of the dream still lingered in my mind. I gave a bitter chuckle. Of all memories, this was the one I dreamed of. Couldn't I even find some solace in sleep?

"Aniki! Wake up!" Suboshi shouted as he suddenly barged into my room with his attire all set even more than usual. Strange. He normally wasn't a morning person, and he hardly cared about how he looked.

"Ah! You are up already. Come on! Get dressed, quick!" he rushed over and pulled me down from the bed, then started burrowing in my closet for clothes.

"What's the matter, Shuu-chan?" I asked as a sense of urgency washed over me. Were we being attacked? Had we pronounced war against Kounan?

"Don't you know?" he replied with an excited grin, "we are going to meet the miko at breakfast today!"

Oh. I didn't even know how much my heart plummeted. Numbly, I took the clothes from Suboshi and prepared to take off my pajamas, when he pushed me into the bathroom, a faint pink tinged his cheeks.

"Have some modesty, Aniki! I know you are excited to meet the miko, but please change inside. I don't want to see you naked."

I felt my temperature surging, then quickly shut the door behind me. However, it only occurred to me much later that wasn't it more sensible to just change in front of him? We are brothers after all . . .

At breakfast, after all of us had settled down, Nakago stood up and announced the appearance of our miko, whose name was Yui. I caught Suboshi beaming at her, hoping that she would notice him, but she kept her eyes straight and unseeing throughout the whole breakfast, without even cast us one single glace, even when we introduced ourselves. It was as if she couldn't have cared less.

Suboshi's disappointment was evident as we left the room, and it made me somewhat angry at the miko, Yui, not that I had much good feelings fro her in the first place. But Suboshi perked up fairly quickly, almost too quickly, as he suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the direction where she left.

"Aniki, don't you think that since she's new to our world, we should be nice to her and offer to introduce her to our country?" He looked back at me while running, while another blush and a sweet smile, which all made a twinge of pain run through my heart. Those were not for me. I only managed to lower my head and nod, but he was too hasty to notice.

"Yui-sama!" Suboshi yelled as we closed in on her. She turned around, and her eyes widened a little at the sight of us. It still wasn't too frequent that you see two people exactly the same.

"Who are you?" she asked as we stopped in front of her.

"Um . . . I'm Suboshi, and he's my brother Amiboshi. It's easy to tell us apart. He always has a flute with him. We are two of the seven seishi, and you are our miko. We will serve you to the best of our abilities."

"And you are looking for me because . . ." she eyed Suboshi skeptically, and he blushed, then pulled me in front of him and nudged me. At this, she chuckled and Suboshi turned even redder, as he tried, but to no avail, to turn his gaze away from her.

I tried to smile, as I continued for him, "Well, we are thinking that since you are new to here, we would like to take you around the country and show you some landmarks. What do you think, Yui-sama?"

"Sure. When do you want it to be?"

"How about tomorrow?" Suboshi chirped in, having recovered from his fit of blushes, "We can meet in the morning at 8 a.m., at the main gate of the palace. If you want to, that is," he said and lowered his head in embarrassment again.

She smiled warmly. "Okay then. We'll meet there tomorrow, Suboshi."

After she had walked out of sight, Suboshi pumped his fist into the air. "Yes! She agreed! Aniki, did you see, did you see, she's not a cold person at all!"

"I've noticed, Shuu-chan." I laid my voice with fake enthusiasm as I led the way down to the garden, all the while with Suboshi rattling happily beside me.

I felt like an idiot. I couldn't even tell what I was doing anymore. From one angle, I was helping the person I loved to woo some other girl, and from another perspective, I was being an encouraging brother, helping Suboshi with his love problems. And as much as I would like to have my mindset fixed on the latter situation, I still couldn't do it. It . . . it just didn't feel right, to see Suboshi with her, and as if I no longer existed in his eyes anymore. All he saw was Yui, Yui and Yui. I didn't want or expect any of my feelings to be reciprocated, but I needed to feel wanted, and that at least he could still think of me sometimes.

No, I'm being stupid here, I told myself. No matter what, I was still his brother, and I did have a special place in his heart. How could I say that I wasn't needed?

But it wasn't the place I wanted . . .

"Aniki, I haven't heard you play your flute these days. Is there something wrong?" he asked after we settled down under a huge old tree.

"Nothing, just that I don't have time. Do you want to hear me play?" well, at least he still noticed something.

He gave a curt nod of affirmation. "Blow something more lively."

I lifted my flute to my lips, and a vibrant melody flowed out. I used to think that even if everything about me was a lie, at least I could still have some truth, and keep a part of myself fin my music, but it looked like I was even wrong about that. Now, I was using my flute to lie, to cover myself, and I couldn't even feel the melody anymore.

Casting a glace at Suboshi through the corner of my eye, I saw him lying peacefully on the grass, his hands behind his head, and had his eyes closed in a look of enjoyment.

I didn't know what to feel.

Suddenly, a droplet of rain fell onto the ground.

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